So this is based on a true story. I recently confronted my mortality in the most pathetic way imaginable: in front of a captive and apathetic audience. I wrote this piece last night in a workshop hosted by the lovely ladies at the Lip Service Institute. The people in my class are awesome. The feedback is incredible. I think this is going to be a memorable experience.

Now, I was asked to write a quick story on a theme I’d love to refine- specifically, stories about the inherent awkwardness in my life.

This is what I accessed- help me figure out what it is going to be about!

Here we go:

WHAT IS THIS STORY ABOUT??

My student offered me a cupcake. I am not a breakfast person, so by third period I am usually famished. This cupcake and me- it was love incarnate.

I ate the hell out of that cupcake.

It was a froofy number, with red velvet batter and jellybeans on top.

I downed it so quickly, I overlooked the whole chewing thing and, in a gasp for air, I inhaled a jellybean, which lodged directly in my throat.

My students were taking a test at the time- this was one of those unpleasant assessments that everyone begrudges. The students hate me for the essay portions.

I hate grading them.

Great Gatsby, keeping up appearances blah blah blah

I began to choke right in front of my resentful pupils.

I choked ugly.

I stood up, tears running down my cheeks, grasping at air, my throat, pleading and waving at my class as they looked at me blankly.

Some were shocked.

Some looked concerned.

One or two started laughing.

My life did not slow down and reveal old truths and realizations.

I did, however, distinctly think that this is the worst death.

Worse than being torn apart by rampaging stallions.

Me. Choking to death in front of a classroom of resentful test-taking students. With a jellybean blocking the air from my lungs.

HELP ME WRAP THIS SUCKER UP!